UPDATE: I moved back home. I withdrew from the semester. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. I am going to be starting antidepressants. I'm really sick i.e. i'm tired & have gained weight. 

In the midst of all the bad however, I feel optimistic about acknowledging the problem and seeking help. At first I was embarrassed and ashamed but now I realize it was a brave decision. There's is nothing to be ashamed about because it is an actual illness and I have been battling it for some time. I think once I begin the antidepressants & they kick in, my life will improve. 

I'm going to be able to work on my goals and have less setbacks. It has been really frustrating. I normally a very motivated person, but depression has taken over. Every single day I write and rewrite my goals down and my game plan to execute them. But day after day I find it harder and harder to do the simplest of tasks. That is why I am so ready to try a new remedy and find help. Wish me luck!

Alright let's get real. I'm so sick of feeling ashamed of myself and inferior to others. 

I'm sick of hiding my problems and my demons. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be perfect for others to validate me. 

So many factors in this world cause us to hide behind false exteriors and seek refuge in isolation. I'm writing this because im tired of my life. I'm tired of being scared. And im tired of trying to be everything; failing; then falling into a deep pit and frantically attempting to crawl out, while backsliding. 

So I propose we get real. Get real with the pressures we feel, the hurt, the addictions, the coping mechanisms, the things that make us feel alive, anything, and everything. Especially as women, I feel the need to speak up and show what is REAL. I've tried for so long to be what I feel is expected of me. Now I just want to share what is real and how I feel. 

It's no secret now that I have an eating disorder. I cope with my struggles with food. Food is my drug. Unfortunately I also  have a really unhealthy relationship with my body. I've gone through spells of anorexia, bulimia, and predominately binge eating. This struggle has also produced a deep depression. I'm struggling now, more than ever, trying to find my center and balance. But living here, on my own, has proven to be a mistake. I'm extremely depressed and I do not know why. 

I've gained so much weight recently and I am struggling to do much else besides eat, sleep, and lay around regretting my choices. 

All of my friends are leaving on mormon missions and doing very important things in foreign places. Everyone is so proud of them and all that they are. I feel in my heart that I am not supposed to go, but I am trying to figure out what path I AM supposed to take. Its a real struggle. All of my other friends have boyfriends and are into drinking and things that are fine, but not something I can participate in. So I'm kind of isolate from them. 

The only thing on my mind is getting healthy, being creative, finding a way to make money that is productive and that I actually enjoy. I also really want to be sexy and attractive. Not just for a man but for myself because I hate being out of shape and feeling gross. I just want my life more together than it is right now. 

I've decided to make this blog more real. I don't care if I sound whiny or stupid. This is my space. I can express myself anyway that I want. I'm going to practice some creative writing on here as well. I need to start taking care of myself and push the rest of the world out of my mind.