So like I need to make a major change. 

seriously, NEED to.

As I talked to old friends and family today, 

I felt so happy yet unhappy.

I have totally lost myself. I feel sluggish & unmotivated.

That makes me so sad.

Because a year ago, I was so driven.

I've been so depressed recently 

and eating ridiculous amounts of food to cope. My binge episodes have been so frequent.

Not only that, I just have lost hope & I'm eating wrong even when I am aware.

What the hell is wrong with me?

After today, skyping friends from school & getting together with my family, I realize I am going backwards.

I need to make strides forward and not focus on what others are thinking.

I've gained so much weight since being home, but more importantly I do not feel healthy.

I do not feel good. This ED has taken a terrible turn. It gets worse every week.

This week was the worst of all. I ate like a friggin cow. 

Sure I exercised but it really doesn't do much when I am inhaling crap.

My nana was telling us her sister now has diabetes as well.

I am so scared. I need to get back on track here before this gets out of hand. 

\It is so important to me to get down to my "feel great weight" so that I can be healthy and happy.

Disease is so terrifying to me. This ED is terrifying to me.

But it is just another thing to conquer. It is another mountain to get over. 

And dammit I'm going to. 

I know how to be healthy. I know what to eat, how much & when.

I know how to exercise to work off all this fatty fat & build my sexy muscles.

It is time to stop being this cow and start being a lady.

Time to eat clean & train dirty!!

I am going to eat strictly well and sweat like a little pig!

Enough is honestly enough!

I am going to be 19 in a month and I really don't want to celebrate as an overweight cow.

I want to celebrate as a girl on her journey to health.

I am making some major changes starting now.

Say a prayer for me! I'm honestly going to need it.