RESOLUTIONS

2014 is a chance for a new start. Something I am in desperate need of.

1. EAT CLEAN: Lot's of vegetables, protein, whole grains, nuts/seeds, and fruit. Cut the crap. 

2. SWEAT: 5 times a week. Push yourself [cardio, arms, abs.] 

3. SCRIPTURE: New Testament challenge with Charlotte. 

4. JOURNAL: Every single day. Even if it is just a few sentences. 

This are totally do-able right?! Cheers!

I have a strong suspicion that this blog is not going to last. There is so much negativity here. But I am grateful for a place to vent it out, no matter how repetitive I tend to be. I'll probably still keep it, as a journal of course, but it won't be active. Just like my other old blog.

At this point I have started the antidepressants and I am desperately waiting for them to really kick in. I've been coping in the usual way--eating--and as usual, its not good. I'm getting huge really quick and im also feeling really sick 24/7. So I think Im starting a cleanse tomorrow. Just for a little while.

I know I am supposed to be giving myself time to heal, but I am starting to feel really pathetic.

Do you ever just want to pack up the car and drive away? I feel like I could just keep going until I get to the west coast. But what I'm running from is me. So why run? Just a waste of gas..

UPDATE: I moved back home. I withdrew from the semester. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. I am going to be starting antidepressants. I'm really sick i.e. i'm tired & have gained weight. 

In the midst of all the bad however, I feel optimistic about acknowledging the problem and seeking help. At first I was embarrassed and ashamed but now I realize it was a brave decision. There's is nothing to be ashamed about because it is an actual illness and I have been battling it for some time. I think once I begin the antidepressants & they kick in, my life will improve. 

I'm going to be able to work on my goals and have less setbacks. It has been really frustrating. I normally a very motivated person, but depression has taken over. Every single day I write and rewrite my goals down and my game plan to execute them. But day after day I find it harder and harder to do the simplest of tasks. That is why I am so ready to try a new remedy and find help. Wish me luck!

Alright let's get real. I'm so sick of feeling ashamed of myself and inferior to others. 

I'm sick of hiding my problems and my demons. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be perfect for others to validate me. 

So many factors in this world cause us to hide behind false exteriors and seek refuge in isolation. I'm writing this because im tired of my life. I'm tired of being scared. And im tired of trying to be everything; failing; then falling into a deep pit and frantically attempting to crawl out, while backsliding. 

So I propose we get real. Get real with the pressures we feel, the hurt, the addictions, the coping mechanisms, the things that make us feel alive, anything, and everything. Especially as women, I feel the need to speak up and show what is REAL. I've tried for so long to be what I feel is expected of me. Now I just want to share what is real and how I feel. 

It's no secret now that I have an eating disorder. I cope with my struggles with food. Food is my drug. Unfortunately I also  have a really unhealthy relationship with my body. I've gone through spells of anorexia, bulimia, and predominately binge eating. This struggle has also produced a deep depression. I'm struggling now, more than ever, trying to find my center and balance. But living here, on my own, has proven to be a mistake. I'm extremely depressed and I do not know why. 

I've gained so much weight recently and I am struggling to do much else besides eat, sleep, and lay around regretting my choices. 

All of my friends are leaving on mormon missions and doing very important things in foreign places. Everyone is so proud of them and all that they are. I feel in my heart that I am not supposed to go, but I am trying to figure out what path I AM supposed to take. Its a real struggle. All of my other friends have boyfriends and are into drinking and things that are fine, but not something I can participate in. So I'm kind of isolate from them. 

The only thing on my mind is getting healthy, being creative, finding a way to make money that is productive and that I actually enjoy. I also really want to be sexy and attractive. Not just for a man but for myself because I hate being out of shape and feeling gross. I just want my life more together than it is right now. 

I've decided to make this blog more real. I don't care if I sound whiny or stupid. This is my space. I can express myself anyway that I want. I'm going to practice some creative writing on here as well. I need to start taking care of myself and push the rest of the world out of my mind. 

I am feeling ready to get fit again.
I know, I know. I say that wayyy to often. But literally, I feel like I'm in this good place mentally and I think it is time to get serious again. I'm not supposed to step on the scale anymore {part of therapy} but I did the other day and nearly flung myself out of the window. I am not happy.

But I want to do things right this time. Good healthy actions with positive thoughts. That's the route I am ready to take. I know I am more than that number but right now it just feels beyond awful.

Hi

Long time, no see!
I haven't written in a while but I think it was necessary. I have been doing a LOT of healing {mentally} and I think that I am really making progress and finding my strides so I can continue to move onward & upward.

I just want to share the happenings in my life lately! To start--

work: same old, same old. office & hallmark don't change much! although I feel like I slack off at both. I blame the dog days of summer.

family: i feel like i am in a good groove with my family. i'm at the point where i feel like i am an adult living in my parents house which is weird but great. i do chores, go grocery shopping for them and cook sometimes. i like to help, but i'm also excited to find a place of my own. also i have really enjoyed spending time watching a movie with my mom or shopping with my dad. i think these little things are what add up in the long run and i'm grateful for the everyday actions and conversations.

friends: summer is truly the time when i feel like friends are so important. in the fall we all tend to go separate ways, but right now i am squeezing as much time out of them as i can. 2 of my best friends are going on LDS missions this october, many of my friends are headed back west for school in the fall, and i am leaving my hometown and leaving some of my best friends behind while they go to school locally. we've been going on road trips to Maine and New York, going to the zoo, attending grad & birthday parties, watching scary movies, shopping, going out to dinner, enjoying the summer, and basically just having those memorable summertime hangouts & conversations. July really is the most beautiful time to open up your heart and speak honestly and lovingly with each other. I love those moments.

school: I got into the Food & Nutrition Program at Framingham State University! I plan on attending this fall as a sophomore. Now I am just in the process of finding somewhere to live and I should be all set. I am choosing classes in a monthand I am definitely excited!

church: i do not think i can express what a blessing it has been to be a member of the franklin YSA branch. i have made and strengthen many friendships there recently and i have been feeling my savior's love more and more each time i go. our president is honestly so caring and genuine that i can't help but feel comfortable and happy. i am gospel doctrine teacher and head of the FHE committee. it feels amazing to have responsibilities. each week i make the hour drive, but it is honestly so worth it and i wouldn't trade my sabbath day for anything. i have been making some lofty goals to pay tithing, read scriptures daily, and attend the temple monthly, and i have to say i have definitely been feeling more responsible and in tune with the spirit.

health/fitness/therapy: therapy has been a major blessing in teaching me the ways of self love and acceptance. i have definitely been going through a hell of a trial this year, but i'm grateful i got off my high horse and accepted the fact that i have a problem that needs resolution. by doing so, i have been able to acknowledge how i cope with pain and stress, and i have been able to identify how to improve. my mentality has drastically improved and i am at the point where recovery is happening and i am taking each day as it comes. be here now is my motto, and i am learning the ways of health, love and happiness one day at a time. it feels good...and scary. but mostly right. i am still trying to sweat as often as possible, make the healthiest eating decisions i possibly can, and love my self through my everyday adventures. its a long battle but it is the best way to get better. i'm scared of leaving home and spinning out of control again, but i also think i can do it over, and do it much better this time. i am so incredibly grateful for the support and love i have gotten from family and friends who just love me, for me. they have accepted me when i am still learning to accept myself and that amazes and overwhelms me. how did i get so lucky? please tell me!

romance: ha. but listen, that's not a bitter "ha." that's more like "ha" i don't have time for that ya silly! i'm doing me! also, once i'm in a good place myself, i'm sure this aspect of life will improve. you gotta fall in love with yourself before you can with anyone else, right? no worries though, my time is coming. also i say a lot of prayers so my man is destined to be super hot. that's a mormon joke if your sitting there like 'huh?'

*in other news, i went BLONDE!
okay, not really. I got blonde highlights. but man is my hair lighter. i love it but i'm also never gonna go all the way. i'm a dark haired lady at heart.

well that's my update! i'm going to try to be more consistent with this whole blog thing, but let's face it, that probably won't happen. plus i journal a lot more than this. it is how i keep my sanity. i literally fill a notebook at least once a month. i mean there are so many goals, to-do's, and thoughts running around up there..i need to find a place for them! am i right or am i right?

peace xoxo.

drinkin some mint tea. my tummy needs it.

today was wonderful. it was lazy. it didnt end so hot.

but tomorrow is a chance to start over. 

forgive, don't forget. 

my 2 biggest goals in therapy are:

-get rid of my fears

-learn to be my own best friend

its all about learning to enjoy life without the constant nagging & self loathing I tend to do.

Life is too short & appearance is not a vital element of happiness. 

I am learning to be bold & loving. I am all about getting healthy and happy.

repenting & beginning again. 

I am so blessed & I know God wants me to recover.

He is here with me while I struggle through this, & I feel that.

I just need to use the tools he gives me to suppress the natural man. 

Seriously love the big man upstairs. 

He is my everything!

Be positive. Getting down on myself isn’t going to help me improve, but a positive attitude will keep me motivated to get myself where I want to be. A positive attitude goes a long way!

Focus on what you CAN do. I did 100 pull-ups on Saturday. Hey, I’ve still got it! Focusing on what I can do is so much better than dwelling on what I can’t do.

Don’t quit. What kills you only makes you stronger? I had a rough workout yesterday and wanted to quit, but I didn’t let myself, and I’m so glad that I pushed through. It definitely made me a little bit stronger.

Appreciate the moment. This is going to sound super cheesy, but it’s the truth. Every CrossFit class I go to, I take a moment to soak it all in and appreciate that I’m healthy enough to be there. There’s been so many times that I haven’t been well enough to exercise, so taking a minute to appreciate my physical health puts things in perspective.

Set some new goals. Exercising again after taking time off is like starting with a clean slate. Instead of dwelling on the past, I’m looking forward and setting new goals to keep me motivated.

Stole these tips from Carrots N Cake!

One of my favorite blogs..she actually lives on the South Shore too!

But I thought these were great tips on getting back into fitness and health when you've taen some time off. I am getting back and I am staying positive!

Drinking my go go juice,

spinach, beets, & berries.

Dig it. 

10 Ways to Get What You Want in Life

1. Be YOU

2. Trust Your Instincts

3. Be Nice to People

4. Work Hard

5. Do What You Love

6. Stop Complaining

7. Take Care of Yourself

8. Don't Listen to Your Critics

9. Be Patient

10. Have Fun 

Dangers of Processed Food

Stop Doing These Things

Plant Based Diet

I had oatmeal & millet for breakfast for the first time in ages.

It makes me feel better.

I really want to make my diet as plant based as possible. 

I also think I want to become a vegetarian. 

Except still eat fish. & occasional chicken.

Okay a flexatarian. 

I have realized that I cannot just be one of those people who eats healthy and then bad things in moderation.

I need to be super strict while eating healthy, like nothing bad EVER.

And then save splurges for special occasions.

Honestly, the fact that I've done this before gives me so much hope. 

I think right now it is just really hard being home.

There's so much more food around, & when I binge I can't control myself. 

Also, I am ridiculously stressed, & that is really not helping.

Back in Feb. I would eat...

Breakfast: Oatmeal EVERY morning, it was my sweet treat of the day

Lunch: a HUGE salad

Snack: an orange

Dinner: vegetables w/ egg or tuna

And everyday I would workout & do yoga at night.

It was PERFECT!

I am going to therapy in an hour, I am freaking out.

But I hope it is going to be a healing experience. 

And I hope it will kick me into starting my old healthy regiment again. 

WORK OUT

tight tummy >>>> sugggaa
I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS

I am super nervous about therapy tomorrow.
I think that caused tonight's binge.
Irony..

Grrrr..

I made a very important decision today.

The thing about having an ED is that I am never satisfied with my weight.

Honestly it has so much of a mental effect on me.

So back in Febuary I was at a weight that I thought was still too big, when really it wasn't. 

Now that I have gained some weight I realize that I should  have accepted myself at that time.

Maybe things would be different now if I had. 

So anyways I am taking these pictures and gaining inspiration.

I am going to get myself right & get back down to that weight I was at in Febuary.

Once I get there I am going to stop trying to lose weight.

I am going to stop KILLING myself over exercise and weight.

I was depriving myself and overdoing it.

I am making important changes now so I can be healthy.

I honestly just want to be healthy & I know right now I am not. 

I think making important realizations like this, along with going to therapy will be so good for me. 

I already love exercise & healthy eating, I just need to be strict with the overeating & the sugar.

Those are my issues right now.

Once I clean up my diet & eat less, I will have more energy for exercise.

So this fat is going to melt off right away!

It is just about discipline & commitment. 

Pray for me, I need this!!

So like I need to make a major change. 

seriously, NEED to.

As I talked to old friends and family today, 

I felt so happy yet unhappy.

I have totally lost myself. I feel sluggish & unmotivated.

That makes me so sad.

Because a year ago, I was so driven.

I've been so depressed recently 

and eating ridiculous amounts of food to cope. My binge episodes have been so frequent.

Not only that, I just have lost hope & I'm eating wrong even when I am aware.

What the hell is wrong with me?

After today, skyping friends from school & getting together with my family, I realize I am going backwards.

I need to make strides forward and not focus on what others are thinking.

I've gained so much weight since being home, but more importantly I do not feel healthy.

I do not feel good. This ED has taken a terrible turn. It gets worse every week.

This week was the worst of all. I ate like a friggin cow. 

Sure I exercised but it really doesn't do much when I am inhaling crap.

My nana was telling us her sister now has diabetes as well.

I am so scared. I need to get back on track here before this gets out of hand. 

\It is so important to me to get down to my "feel great weight" so that I can be healthy and happy.

Disease is so terrifying to me. This ED is terrifying to me.

But it is just another thing to conquer. It is another mountain to get over. 

And dammit I'm going to. 

I know how to be healthy. I know what to eat, how much & when.

I know how to exercise to work off all this fatty fat & build my sexy muscles.

It is time to stop being this cow and start being a lady.

Time to eat clean & train dirty!!

I am going to eat strictly well and sweat like a little pig!

Enough is honestly enough!

I am going to be 19 in a month and I really don't want to celebrate as an overweight cow.

I want to celebrate as a girl on her journey to health.

I am making some major changes starting now.

Say a prayer for me! I'm honestly going to need it. 

This stuff, im telling ya

transition is weird. being home is weird.

im not sure how to deal with routine still

& i am really not diggin it.

the thing is i have a lot going on. 

ive opened up about my eating disorder, & i am also dealing with depression.

ive got a therapy appointment this week luckily.

but it is really hard to admit to myself that i have these issues.

but i think admitting is just another part of growing up.

and by admitting, i am finding help.

its all part of the journey.

today our relief society lesson was all about "the journey home."

i took a lot from it, but mostly that Heavenly Father loves me no matter what. 

It doesnt matter how beautiful, how healthy, how intelligent, or how kind I am.

He is always there and he loves me and wants to help.

im definitely trying to put my trust in him more, especially this week.

I truly want to get healthy so I can progress and grow. 

 

pulling myself together today aka just applied to college..again!

im hoping this all works out, so i can start journeying towards my future career.

im so passionate about health and becoming a dietecian.

when i visited the school they told me the program is extremely demanding,

but i can graduate in 4 years and become an RD right out of school.

internships are done while completing a bachelor's degree, which is great news!

 

im also focusing on my personal health.

it seems that the freshman 15 took a reverse affect.

im gaining weight while home!

it has a lot to do with being stressed & with my eating disorder.

but today I am calling therapy and making a plan to get healthy!

im going to focus all my energy on fixing this.

good thing i love working out & eating my veggies!

please please please wish me luck.

i need it.

 

small goals:

eat more balanced meals aka MORE VEGGIES

practice yoga more often

sleep 8 hours a night

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT

I CAN GO THE DISTANCE

lNegative < Positive

I had an awesome conversation with my mom today.

I've been feeling so insecure lately because it seems like everyone is moving in a different direction than me.

But the truth is, I know what is right for me. I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now. 

I know the things I need to do to improve, and I know the choices I need to make.

I am going to eliminate guilt and practice joy. 

Goal List

read 1 book a month

sweat 5 days a week

eat real food. not much. mostly plants.

get 7 hours of sleep every night

read scriptures everyday